I found yoga because my marriage of 16 years was falling apart. When you’re heading toward a divorce after nearly two decades, I felt like I was walking around holding my breath. I went because I needed a place to breathe and quiet my mind.
I went to a studio in Phoenix and in my first class, I cried during Savasana in a room full of strangers. My teacher was so kind and understanding and explained that emotions often come to the surface during practice. I had a lot of emotions.
Yoga became a grounding force as I navigated early menopause at 38, the start of a teaching career and a melanoma diagnosis. It was a lot. Looking to deepen my practice, I decided to enrol in a teacher training program at a nearby yoga studio but quickly dropped out. The studio felt like an unwelcoming “inner circle,” leaving me, a plus-size student, feeling like I didn’t belong.
I continued to practice but I felt like it was far from consistent. I did my best to get on my mat for my favourite sun salutations most mornings before work and as much as possible on the weekends. It wasn’t much but I always felt calm and connected when I left my mat. Spring of 2019 brought the pandemic and teaching first graders online from home for over 2 years which replaced my mat time with severe anxiety and panic attacks. By the end of 2021, my life shifted radically as I moved back to the UK with my family and my partner of almost 20 years staying in the USA to care for his mum who has dementia.
Setting up a household of 4 adults, two of which are your elderly parents has its challenges. I truthfully thought I would use my teaching degrees and continue my career here but that didn’t quite work out. My lovely parents needed someone to stay home, and I chose to be their full-time carer, not really knowing the toll it would take on my mental and physical health. I needed to get back on my mat but not leave my parents on their own for too long. I eventually found Hannah and Yoga Happy on my phone, and I just felt like this is where I need to be. I practiced on and off until I finally recently signed up for the 200-hour teacher training, again more to deepen my practice as I don’t plan to teach. I am loving it, but it didn’t start easily for me.
Long story short, I had a panic attack late in the first zoom class and left, then sent a panic fuelled email to Hannah. After the panic eased, Hannah and I sat and had a lovely talk where I basically word vomited at her and she listened. In the end I realised this community and training are where I need to be because yoga didn’t save my marriage, but it might have saved me.
